To Bee or not to Bee; RBee's buzzes

[RBee]

Danny aka Jinsa, start new thread na?
Koi zindagi mein aa jayegi

[RBee]

I logged in after long time.
I see mostly ‘bashing’ threads active here .
Myself a forced LIA due to DH as I would have loved to live among my LII folks(mom, sisters etc) but I have gotten used to ways of US. So I cannot fathom this ‘bashing’ nature . There is no utopia anywhere; we are too minuscule in scheme of things to make any dent in system. May be we need more ‘vent’ threads to get it out of our system

[RBee]

Can wounds heal at all? Or the scars remain forever even after decades?

Remembering my MIL on an unrelated post/chat with my mom reopened some of my wounds.
She passed away suddenly in 2014 after suffering from some disease; diabetes was identified as root cause for the cardiac arrest.I had forgiven all our earlier differences due to her age/illness etc and truly felt the grief for months/years due to her loss.
Now my mom is approaching 80 and she has been without dad for ~4 years and every time I talk to her and when talk veers to my marital family, she says your MIL was a pure soul, that’s why she died as ‘Sumangali’(Married woman with husband).
What is pure soul? Tormenting the DILs with taunts that they came from families below their status and make sure these taunts are not heard when their sons are nearby?
And why this importance/nonsense of dying as ’Sumangali’. Are women born, so they can get married and die as ’Sumangali’s else their value diminishes ?

I really wish Indian parents let go of ‘status’ when forging alliances especially in arranged marriages.

I watched ‘Mrs’ again and girl is of different haisiyat (status) than groom and some of the treatment she undergoes in her marital home is due to this undercurrent of ’status'!!

[SAPPORO]

Can wounds heal at all? Or the scars remain forever even after decades?

Remembering my MIL on an unrelated post/chat with my mom reopened some of my wounds.
She passed away suddenly in 2014 after suffering from some disease; diabetes was identified as root cause for the cardiac arrest.I had forgiven all our earlier differences due to her age/illness etc and truly felt the grief for months/years due to her loss.
Now my mom is approaching 80 and she has been without dad for ~4 years and every time I talk to her and when talk veers to my marital family, she says your MIL was a pure soul, that’s why she died as ‘Sumangali’(Married woman with husband).
What is pure soul? Tormenting the DILs with taunts that they came from families below their status and make sure these taunts are not heard when their sons are nearby?
And why this importance/nonsense of dying as ’Sumangali’. Are women born, so they can get married and die as ’Sumangali’s else their value diminishes ?

I really wish Indian parents let go of ‘status’ when forging alliances especially in arranged marriages.

I watched ‘Mrs’ again and girl is of different haisiyat (status) than groom and some of the treatment she undergoes in her marital home is due to this undercurrent of ’status'!!

"Sumangali" thing was because the widows used to suffer a lot back in the day plus they didn't have to care for their crazy husbands in their old age, if they pass away first - Blessing in disguise!

[RBee]

"Sumangali" thing was because the widows used to suffer a lot back in the day plus they didn't have to care for their crazy husbands in their old age, if they pass away first - Blessing in disguise!

Agree. But we have moved forward and putting issues like Sati, Child Marriage, shaving head of widowed women, leaving them in Vrindavan etc right?
So why this ’Sumangali’ nonsense even now!

[SAPPORO]

"Sumangali" thing was because the widows used to suffer a lot back in the day plus they didn't have to care for their crazy husbands in their old age, if they pass away first - Blessing in disguise!

Agree. But we have moved forward and putting issues like Sati, Child Marriage, shaving head of widowed women, leaving them in Vrindavan etc right?
So why this ’Sumangali’ nonsense even now!

"Mrs" movie is saying something else, maybe you need to watch it one more time

[RBee]

"Sumangali" thing was because the widows used to suffer a lot back in the day plus they didn't have to care for their crazy husbands in their old age, if they pass away first - Blessing in disguise!

Agree. But we have moved forward and putting issues like Sati, Child Marriage, shaving head of widowed women, leaving them in Vrindavan etc right?
So why this ’Sumangali’ nonsense even now!

"Mrs" movie is saying something else, maybe you need to watch it one more time

I know what “Mrs” is saying . I have watched the original Malayalam ’The great Indian kitchen’ with subtitles as well as this.
In original, groom is given a car as dowry by bride’s family, groom is working as a school teacher, bride’s father works in Gulf(so relatively loaded in cash with their home nicer than her marital home etc).
In ‘Mrs’ to adopt to North India, they made Bride to belong to lower social strata than groom; watch the girl dekho scene where they come in car in nukkads(by lanes) in lower class neighborhood; groom is a medical doctor with his own private practice;mother is PhD in Economics, Dad retired from very high post etc; family used to have servants but none stayed long due to nitpicking etc

[SAPPORO]

Agree. But we have moved forward and putting issues like Sati, Child Marriage, shaving head of widowed women, leaving them in Vrindavan etc right?
So why this ’Sumangali’ nonsense even now!

"Mrs" movie is saying something else, maybe you need to watch it one more time

I know what “Mrs” is saying . I have watched the original Malayalam ’The great Indian kitchen’ with subtitles as well as this.
In original, groom is given a car as dowry by bride’s family, groom is working as a school teacher, bride’s father works in Gulf(so relatively loaded in cash with their home nicer than her marital home etc).
In ‘Mrs’ to adopt to North India, they made Bride to belong to lower social strata than groom; watch the girl dekho scene where they come in car in nukkads(by lanes) in lower class neighborhood; groom is a medical doctor with his own private practice;mother is PhD in Economics, Dad retired from very high post etc; family used to have servants but none stayed long due to nitpicking etc

I was not talking about the status but was referring to the plight the women especially in India are still going thru. My DS watched it, and he could immediately relate the movie to quite many aunts he has seen in India.

[old-spice2]

Can wounds heal at all? Or the scars remain forever even after decades?

Remembering my MIL on an unrelated post/chat with my mom reopened some of my wounds.
She passed away suddenly in 2014 after suffering from some disease; diabetes was identified as root cause for the cardiac arrest.I had forgiven all our earlier differences due to her age/illness etc and truly felt the grief for months/years due to her loss.
Now my mom is approaching 80 and she has been without dad for ~4 years and every time I talk to her and when talk veers to my marital family, she says your MIL was a pure soul, that’s why she died as ‘Sumangali’(Married woman with husband).
What is pure soul? Tormenting the DILs with taunts that they came from families below their status and make sure these taunts are not heard when their sons are nearby?
And why this importance/nonsense of dying as ’Sumangali’. Are women born, so they can get married and die as ’Sumangali’s else their value diminishes ?

I really wish Indian parents let go of ‘status’ when forging alliances especially in arranged marriages.

I watched ‘Mrs’ again and girl is of different haisiyat (status) than groom and some of the treatment she undergoes in her marital home is due to this undercurrent of ’status'!!

In Tamil homes a widow has to shave her head, wear white sari covering her bald head and cannot wear bindi or jewelleries. Usually required to stay out of sight when some auspicious event happens in the house. This was pre-1980s. A sumangali need not go through all this depressing act, so it is considered good for wife to go before husband.

[desi4ever]

In Tamil homes a widow has to shave her head, wear white sari covering her bald head and cannot wear bindi or jewelleries. Usually required to stay out of sight when some auspicious event happens in the house. This was pre-1980s. A sumangali need not go through all this depressing act, so it is considered good for wife to go before husband.

Right. These days, Widows dont do it. When my dad passed 10 years ago , nobody ever thought of these things or made my mom do these things. She continued to lead her normal life. Same with my aunts ( her sisters ) after they lost their husbands. So this sumangali death is overrated. I think that's what Rbee was trying to say.