Lakshya- This too shall pass...

[Lakshya]

I was able to pull up a few old posts saved somewhere... I posted my first post in this diary. The original idea was to talk about my initial days in the US, where I have gone through some serious struggles. And how I hated the US for the first few years... I had a serious plan to go back, and that was the main reason I was hooked on the original forum. But the US is like a beach sand sinkhole—the more you try to come out, the more it will suck you in... Now that I have spent more time in the US compared to the time I spent in India...All dynamics have changed... Kids are in HS and college... My wife has nobody left in India... My parents are USC and now spend most of the time in US... My brother settled in the same town. Sister is there, but her one kid is moving to the US... I have no reason to go back to India.. Now we think about different R2i... Once we retire, in October-March, we may spend time in India, assuming kids will be settled in their lives. But no clue when we will be able to retire...

When you don't miss anyone in India, it doesn't really matter if you R2i or not... I happened to be on JFK yesterday to pick up my parents, who were flying back from India... I saw many young couples running and hugging their parents, who were visiting them from India.. In our case, it was normal, like I was picking up my parents from the railway station.. Once they got into the car, from their own Sr. center circle, everyone started calling them about when they were coming back to Sr. Center... They are pretty much in their routing in the US with their own friend circle. We have pretty much a routine with our own circle...Life requires a routine, and it's going well so far. I know with time this dynamics will also change...
Here is my old post... I still remember it as if it happened just yesterday... I'm not sure how I pulled through this mess...
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Welcome To America:

It was a bright summer day in the month of June. Air India “Agra” was flying at full speed at an altitude of 39,000 ft. I was sitting in the window seat. There was not much to see below. Since the last 6 hrs, the only thing I could see was the Atlantic Ocean. I think it was around 2.30 -3.00 PM when I again opened my window shutter and looked outside. After 6 long hours, I saw a lush green field instead of Atlantic water. The lush-green land below was looking much different than the dry land I used to see from my childhood around me. Soon I realized that was the Land of Opportunity called the United States of America...

I was not excited at all. I was not coming with my stamped H1b and offer letter, nor had I worked hard in India to get my student visa at any American university. So there was no sense of achievement or victory on my side. I was confused-lost 20+yr old boy. I was with an orange envelope and my x-ray from Breach Candy Hospital. All I knew was that I had to give this envelope and x-ray to a customs officer, and I would get my green card by mail in a few days. Yes, I was coming with my immigration visa. The journey of migration to the US in our family started before my birth, and it is still going on. So I was just another number. I grew up with American toys-electronics, clothes, and you name it. Every NRI visit in those days to India was giving me the impression that you go to America and automatically become rich, and there is nothing left in this poor, dirty India.

Air India landed at JFK around 4.30 PM. JFK AirPort was looking very big compared to my Ahmedabad’s SV Patel Int. Airport. One advertisement on the airport form American Express card (which used to be green) caught my attention. -- “Welcome to America if you have Green card You don’t need Visa”

My relatives came to pick me up. They were all very happy to see me. I can see a sense of victory on their faces. The smile on their faces was similar to those smiles we see when we cut through a long waiting line at a public or social event and rejoin with our family/friends way ahead of others in the line. They all came to the US in a different time frame, like the 70s -80s-90s. They all were seasoned NRI. From that day on, the last family who came in the early 90s became Sr. NRI, and I took their position and became a Jr. NRI. I saw lots of other Gujju families around me who were there to pick up their family members. I found something weird; they were communicating in a weird combination of English-Hindi-Gujarati with others. When we Gujju go out of the country, first we try English (we miserably fail there), then we switch to Hindi (better than Gujarati Hua), and then finally nothing works—Be yaar samj to nathi aatlu, shu karvu aanu? (This guy is not getting it; what should I do with him now?).

Ok, so we set out in the van. I have never seen such a big car and a wide road before, so I was impressed. One NRI said, “ In America, you can’t go anywhere without a map. So in a few minutes, we'll take 95 North, and from New Haven, we'll take 91 North, which will take us to our home." I did not know what he was talking about, all I knew was that we were heading to Connecticut.

We stop at a rest area somewhere in Connecticut. I asked, "Where is the bathroom?" “Go and take left, BTW, in America we call restrooms..." okay.. After relieving myself, I was looking for the knob to flush it, but couldn’t find it. Well, first, I am from India, and then I was less than one day old in America, and I am done, so who cares! I just started walking toward the exit, and suddenly I heard the automatic flush. Wow, Impressive! Before I got out of the restroom, I saw everyone washing their hands, didn’t know why they were doing that, but I joined with them. Again, the same problem: the knob is missing!! I just looked at both sides, and they were getting water in the sink. I thought there should be some secret switch or something like that, so I started playing around with the tap. Suddenly, water came from a tap. Okay, so you keep your hands under the tap and water will come automatically! That’s really good. Then I saw everyone drying their hands with this machine. I was quite confident; I kept my hand under the blower, but nothing happened. The guy behind me just pushed the steel knob, and hot air blew.

After having french-fries and soft drinks, my mother's advice came to my mind, "They are all working and busy there, make sure you help them with their day-to-day chores.” Okay, so I took everyone’s tray with trash and went to the garbage can. But I can’t locate the dustbin! The only wooden box says “Thank You." I was so impressed by the restroom mechanism, that I thought everything is automatic in this country. So this box must be a tray cleaning machine. So I dumped all the trays in the garbage can, few people stared at me. But I was quite confident and went out to the parking lot to experience the rest of America….

So finally, we reached home. At night, I tried to sleep, but could not. I closed my eyes, and I saw busy, crowded Ahmadabad’s streets, my Bajaj scooter without a silencer, friends at a tea stall, my painful goodbye to my girlfriend, riding a friend's bike at high speed, and flirting with girls in Navratri. In short, the last four years of reckless and irresponsible life was coming in front of my eyes. Although we had always lived together, the first time I thought about my younger brother and older sister, Thoughts were pouring in my mind, like two years ago, I should not have picked up that fight with my brother. I should not have been rude to my sister on that day!” Damn… it’s too late now..

I woke up early in the morning, though it was the weekend, but again, my mom's advice came to my mind. “Don’t sit like an idiot in the morning, they are all always busy in the morning, so to minimize their work, get up only after everyone goes to work." (My mom had visited twice before I came). So I kept myself in bed for some time. When I woke up, it was around noon. I came out of the room, and after some chitchat, I went on deck with a cup of coffee. The house was situated on a hill. I could see the panoramic view of New England. For miles and miles, only tall trees & dense forests could be seen. I turned around, could see a few houses, I looked on my left again and saw a few rocks and trees! All I could hear was the wind's sound. Only tall New England trees were talking to each other! I said to myself something is wrong, so I paid extra attention to hear noises—again, the only whistle of the wind! Not even the sounds of birds! And not a man in sight!! Come on, I am not used to this. I am used to crowded, noisy Ahmedabad’s streets with tons of people around me. Honking, chaos, traffic, potholes, pollution I belong to that. Why is this place so quiet, like a space? My eyes were getting teary—I asked a question to myself..where am I? And then I took a deep breath and said to myself, “Welcome to America."

[SAPPORO]

Basically, it's not the place, it's the people! Even my MIL who recently got her GC doesn't want to even visit India now! I was hoping to get a respite from daily dose of sambar, rasam, dosas etc.., but that may not happen!

[Razz R]

oof kitna rulayega pagle

[Lakshya]

Alright, something a bit different...

I’m just reflecting on something, and I’m curious if any of you have experienced this. For the last 20 years, I’ve regularly called one of my cousins in India. We’ve always had a good relationship. Recently, he’s been going through a rough time, and I’ve tried calling him multiple times. He usually says, ‘Let’s talk over the weekend.’ Sometimes I forget to follow up, but here’s the thing: in all these years, he’s never once initiated a call to me. It’s always been me reaching out.

It’s got me thinking—why is that? I get that life moves on for everyone, but it’s not like I’ve been sitting on a commode and shitting in the U.S. for the last 25 years. I’ve got my own busy life too. Still, something feels off. I’ve noticed this pattern with a lot of people back home—it's usually us in the U.S. who make the effort to call. They rarely call us.

Have any of you experienced this? What are your thoughts?

[vanilla]

This has been always my experience. Even my siblings never call me, only I have to call them.
Once I tried not calling them for couple of months and still they don't bother calling me.
I will get angry but i understood that it was my need, not theirs.

When I visit, every one comes and visits me and show lot of affection.
So I decided not get offended and continue calling from here.

[Returning_Indian]

Alright, something a bit different...

I’m just reflecting on something, and I’m curious if any of you have experienced this. For the last 20 years, I’ve regularly called one of my cousins in India. We’ve always had a good relationship. Recently, he’s been going through a rough time, and I’ve tried calling him multiple times. He usually says, ‘Let’s talk over the weekend.’ Sometimes I forget to follow up, but here’s the thing: in all these years, he’s never once initiated a call to me. It’s always been me reaching out.

It’s got me thinking—why is that? I get that life moves on for everyone, but it’s not like I’ve been sitting on a commode and shitting in the U.S. for the last 25 years. I’ve got my own busy life too. Still, something feels off. I’ve noticed this pattern with a lot of people back home—it's usually us in the U.S. who make the effort to call. They rarely call us.

Have any of you experienced this? What are your thoughts?

That can be the case either in US or India. It takes effort to preserve a relationship and sometimes it's one party doing the heavy lifting. You always have a choice to give up and not worry about it. But it's totally upto you if you want to maintain it. It's better to not get into this ego battle and take it easy. It's just a simple phone call. Doesn't matter who initiates it. As long as conversation is pleasent and you enjoy the relationship, it's ok to make that effort.

This personally bugs me from time to time. But usually I cave in and start messaging/calling them. If you feel like meeting then just go ahead and make the trip. As long as you enjoy the relationship and are happy then don't overthink. It's just one short life and you never know when it will end abruptly.

[SAPPORO]

The origins of this can be traced back to when it cost exorbitant amounts to call India in the landline era (so can't imagine how much it would have costed them) and "missed call" culture in India in the cellphone era before WA. The Indian psyche was to make missed calls and so where is the question of calling someone abroad?
Indians now live on WhatsApp, I doubt anyone is making calls even within India other than for invites and condolence, if that. Moreover, they get a chance to meet often to catch up anyways. Having said that, where does it leave us? You can become a star by often posting/forwarding non-controversial content on family WA groups like Modi purana, advancements in India, US bashing, quack doctors questioning widely used medications for BP and such, power of some obscure deity in some corner of India, first to wish them on occasions in their time and so on.

We just need to be existing in their minds and so they at least have a decent conversation with us when we meet them next time. If all else fails, you can always take the state of Nirvana of rationalizing the situation by attributing it to busy lives and not some nefarious negligence.

PS: Forget about those that don't call, I am more worried about those that insist on videocalls just because, that makes me long for the days of $1 a minute calls to India.

[Lakshya]

The origins of this can be traced back to when it cost exorbitant amounts to call India in the landline era (so can't imagine how much it would have costed them) and "missed call" culture in India in the cellphone era before WA. The Indian psyche was to make missed calls and so where is the question of calling someone abroad?
Indians now live on WhatsApp, I doubt anyone is making calls even within India other than for invites and condolence, if that. Moreover, they get a chance to meet often to catch up anyways. Having said that, where does it leave us? You can become a star by often posting/forwarding non-controversial content on family WA groups like Modi purana, advancements in India, US bashing, quack doctors questioning widely used medications for BP and such, power of some obscure deity in some corner of India, first to wish them on occasions in their time and so on.

We just need to be existing in their minds and so they at least have a decent conversation with us when we meet them next time. If all else fails, you can always take the state of Nirvana of rationalizing the situation by attributing it to busy lives and not some nefarious negligence.

PS: Forget about those that don't call, I am more worried about those that insist on videocalls just because, that makes me long for the days of $1 a minute calls to India.

This is the biggest drawback for me to have meaningful conversations in any WA family group in the US as well as India. I am very much afraid of old age just because of WA. I feel lost when I see my educated, retired family members post nonsense on WA. WA is deteriorating their mental health. A few of my uncles and aunts keep notifications on and literally jump on their phones when they hear the notification sound to check who is posting what on WA. I don’t know what happened to them—they were not like this before.

In the past, I used to put counter arguments and, in a nicer way, try to convey the message that we should not use family groups for forwards. But there was no change. Finally, I archived all family groups. To this day, I have not forwarded a single post to a family group. I also must give credit to my dad, who only posts on WA when he genuinely wants to convey a message to someone.

I am telling you guys, retirement is not all about $$$. One needs to seriously plan what they are going to do after retirement. I see a few of my uncles completely lost and clueless about what to do in the US now, and they are raping us left and right with WA messages.

[SAPPORO]

This is the biggest drawback for me to have meaningful conversations in any WA family group in the US as well as India. I am very much afraid of old age just because of WA. I feel lost when I see my educated, retired family members post nonsense on WA. WA is deteriorating their mental health. A few of my uncles and aunts keep notifications on and literally jump on their phones when they hear the notification sound to check who is posting what on WA. I don’t know what happened to them—they were not like this before.

In the past, I used to counter arguments and, in a nicer way, try to convey the message that we should not use family groups for forwards. But there was no change. Finally, I archived all family groups. To this day, I have not forwarded a single post to a family group. I also must give credit to my dad, who only posts on WA when he genuinely wants to convey a message to someone.

I am telling you guys, retirement is not all about $$$. One needs to seriously plan what they are going to do after retirement. I see a few of my uncles completely lost and clueless about what to do in the US now, and they are raping us left and right with WA messages.

Earlier it was mega serials (soaps) on TV when they used to sit in front of TV like beggars and refuse to answer any calls or entertain even close relatives at home. Now they have moved onto WA, maybe it's progress Some have news blaring all the time and they know more than us about what's happening in every corner of US, and we spend most of the time defending our ignorance. Others are always proud to reveal their children's net worth and curious to know how much we have. Having said all that, it's safe to stick with Modi purana, Bullet trains in India etc.., on WA.

If you can't beat them, join them!

[SAPPORO]

I think it is ok to ogle at aunties until you are 85.. you are only 60 so at least another 25 years of enjoyment should be fine.. at 85 there may be a problem with blood flow to the heart if you still ogle.. so safer to give that up..

More than that vision may be poor. Even kaam wali bhai may look like Rashmika. Not worried about getting tight slap as may have lost all the teeth by then.

What are you doing at 4 in the morning? Learn to sleep until 8 to perfect retirement! Retirement is about conquering time and not making more of it!